“I wanted to ask you something.”

She smiled and looked at me, inviting the question.

It was hard to ask. I may have stumbled a little. “Would you.. baby me? I want a mummy to care for me.”

She took it well, didn’t throw me out of the house, just asked, “But darling, I’m 82 and you’re 26. I’d have to be your grandmother!”

I shrugged, nodded, made it clear that worked for me. What also worked for me was being diapered, securely fastened in a baby bouncer, finding myself immobilise and completely under her control.

What didn’t work for either of us was her tripping up as she stepped back to admire her handiwork, falling to the ground, writhing in agony with a broken hip.

Three days before the neighbour found us…