“All rise. State versus Grandholme.”

“So Mr Grandholme, the charge is that you touched this woman without her permission. How do you plead?”

“I held her forearm to steady her as she stood up, after she tripped on the kerb. If that’s sexual assault, I guess I’m guilty.”

“Thank you Mr Grandholme, your willingness to accept your guilt doesn’t mitigate your horrific assault, but I am required to take it into account for sentencing. For the crime of forcing your attention on a woman, touching her against her will and failing to apologise since, I am sentencing you to two years of being helped against your will. You will be rendered physically helpless, requiring others to clothe, feed and care for you. The court will appoint a carer whose ministrations you will be unable to avoid, whether they’re bathing you or, since you’ll be unable to go to the toilet, changing the diaper you’ll have no choice but to use.”